“And now your chest burns and your back aches, From 15 years of holding the pain…And now you only have yourself to blame, if you continue to live this way…..GET IT TOGETHER”

-India Arie

Forgiveness is one of the hardest things on earth to do. When someone does you wrong your first response is to be on bullshit…rather it be in doses or a whole heap on hell! I can’t be the only person who has felt this way. ESPECIALLY when it’s someone you deem a “friend”, “lover”, and “family”. It’s like you believe people that fall into 1 of those 3 categories should know better cause they’re the “closest”to you right? Shiiiiiiidddddd…. if you’ve lived past 10 you should know that these are the people that hurt you first, and it hurts the worse! They’re usually the one’s that will have you singing loudly in Drake’s voice, “Looking for revvvvveeeeennnnngggggeeeeeee….”

During this 31 day cleanse, I realized forgiveness is something I struggle with. It was’t that I couldn’t forgive other people, (because I learned how to do that some time ago) I didn’t forgive myself. As I did some reflecting on myself and past relationships, (friendships or more) I realized that people only treated me how I allowed them to. Any hurt that I may have endure, double-crossing, ppl not reciprocating, only happened because I ALLOWED it to happen. The problem wasn’t with other people, but how I viewed myself.

Why would I continue a “friendship” with someone that showed me who they were 10 years ago? What would make me continue on with a “situationship” with someone that showed me 7 years ago they had no intentions of doing anything different in the future. The answer could easily be, because my heart is so forgiving…and in many ways it is. But, the real reason is the value and love I’ve had for myself rather, lack-there-of . There had to be something in me that allowed me feel I was deserving of these terrible situations.

Why would anyone feel like they are deserving of hurt? I never actually said this aloud and I definitely didn’t feel that way…at least I didn’t think I did. I believe it happened unconsciously. To fully forgive myself and the actions that I have allowed to take place in my life, I had to dig deep…revisiting some things that may still be present from childhood experiences. I realized I repeatedly drunk a cocktails of abandonment issues, childhood molestation, anger, guilt, and fear (an extremely dangerous cocktail which could possible lead to death).

Now granted, things that happen in our childhoods are NOT our faults at all, especially when they happen at the hands of “trusted” adults. What IS our fault is we allow ourselves to become victims to our circumstances. Playing the “whoa is me” game as 30 something year olds. We risk the chance of becoming toxic to not only others but ourselves. To counteract all of that, I needed to be forgiving of all things and everyone…but most importantly forgiving myself. I was angry for what happen to me at such a young age. Still upset at my mother because your parent is supposed to protect you right? I was bitter because everyone I thought I loved continuously let me down. I was still hurt from past relationships that failed. And I was so fearful of being who I was created to be…I HAD to forgive myself asap!

Within these last 31 days I was able to see ME for the hot fucking mess that I’ve been! And let me tell you, no matter how cute I’ve been in pics, that was an ugly fuck!n sight! My spirit was a mess from the different relationships I’ve encountered, and drained from the “friendships” I thought I needed. The cleanse was exactly what I needed to let it all go and forgive ME! It wasn’t about anyone else, it was about me! And once I forgave me, it gave me the courage to fully LOVE me!

When you forgive and love yourself, you wont allow anyone in your space to treat you any differently than that. You set the rules! You set the tone! It’s truly you being in your own lane and running your own race. There’s no competition at all! The focus is YOU! This is the point I needed to get to in my life.

Thank You 31 Day Spiritual and Physical Cleanse for the discipline and clarity you showed me each and every day!